Friday 24 August 2018 by Lucas Wilde

“F*cking KEEP it” says victim of identity theft

A man has had his identity stolen and honestly isn’t that bothered about it.

Simon Williams, 43, lives in Scunthorpe with his wife of 15 years who has long-stopped loving him, and three children who could be described as arseholes at best. He designs notepads for a living.

“If you want that life, brilliant, it’s yours,” said Simon, swilling from a can of fosters.

“My life is a monotonous cycle of never-ending despair, and I can’t wait ’til I’m dead.

“However, someone has stolen my identity, which means they now have to be me. Good. I’ll move to Coventry and start over. Maybe then I can be happy.”

Identity thief, Simon Williams, (formerly Jay Cooper) said, “I didn’t know this was how identity theft actually worked.

“I’ve not tried it before, I just thought it meant I could buy some new shoes with somebody else’s money.

“Now I have to look after kids that aren’t mine and keep some whining bint vaguely happy. It’s like being married to Katie Price, only without the fun tits.”

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