The government has pledged to end homelessness with new measures to redefine what counts as a home.
With figures showing that homelessness is now at record levels in parts of the country, Whitehall officials have insisted they will stop at nothing to make those figures look much better.
Housing Secretary James Brokenshire explained, “We intend to eradicate homelessness in this country, and rest assured our commitment to this aim is absolute.
“We have to look at the entire issue, and realise as a society that so many people don’t have a home purely because of how we have chosen to define ‘a home’.
“Why was it arbitrarily decided that a home should be made of bricks and mortar? That seems a little discriminatory if you ask me.
“If you have a nice big box where you rest your head each evening, why not call that a home? Are we such snobs that it can’t be a home unless it has electricity, running water and a huge collection of furniture from IKEA?”
The redefinition of a home is already helping with the homelessness figures, with many formerly homeless people now being classified as being on the first rung of the housing ladder.
London homeowner, Simon Williams, told us, “Yesterday I was a homeless man on the street, looking for spare change in the hope of a hot meal and a place in an overnight shelter to maybe get a shower.
“Today, I am the proud owner of a compact and bijou high-street starter home in a highly desirable city-centre location.
“Thank you Theresa May!”