The uniforms for America’s new Space Force will be designed for smooth comfort and easy access, White House sources have confirmed today.
The new branch of the armed forces, which will take the fight to Earth’s enemies whether there are any or not, is to be clad in uniforms made of the same shiny, artificial material as a 1980s porn-star’s couch – which the President described as being in ‘quiet and restrained good taste’.
“Space Force will be the sexiest branch of America’s armed forces, and with me in the White House the phrase ‘Command Post’ will have two meanings”, the President told staff today.
“Because not only will there be a place where command happens, but that’s also a reference to my penis,” he added, with a painful lack of necessity – leading to Vice-President Mike Pence slapping his hand across his eyes and giving a weary sigh.
According to documents released today the primary duty of Space Force will be to ‘get out there and find that planet where all those blue and green women in bikinis live’, with defending the Earth a secondary, and somewhat distant, priority.
“And if that doesn’t work, we’re going to build a huge space wall to defend against aliens”, we were told.