As speculation over the next James Bond intensifies, producers of the record-breaking franchise have revealed that Whoopi Goldberg is going to be next actor in the Aston Martin.
Following speculation that Idris Elba might be the new Bond, the internet became awash with people complaining that a fictional character simply couldn’t be portrayed by a black actor because of reasons.
That level of derision has since quadrupled when it was revealed that the actor playing Bond this time around would not only be black but also be in possession of a vagina.
“You what? That…that bint off of Sister Act?” sputtered Simon Williams, who really values the skin tone and gender of the established fictional characters he admires.
“Everyone knows that James Bond is Scottish, or blonde haired and blue eyed, or in possession of expressive eyebrows, or has a massive dimple on his chin – depending on who is playing him.
“But a black woman? That…that is just…I don’t even have the words to express my rage right now. Excuse, I need to go and watch Goldfinger on a loop until this goes away.”
Film producer, Jay Cooper, said, “mwahahaha.
“Yes, your suspicions were correct. We’re out to recast all of your favourite film characters as black women, just like you always bizarrely feared we would. Who knew that after all this time you would be proven right with your conspiracy theory that we are out to ruin your favourite films.
“However, Whoopi will actually make an excellent Bond – or at least no worse or less believable than George Lazenby.”