House of Fraser to start selling massive mugs

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Following the acquisition of the House of Fraser brand and all of its stores by Mike Ashley, shoppers can expect a range of new and exciting products from the department store at a reduced price.

Mr Ashley confirmed this morning that he had bought the House of Fraser chain for £90m, saving it from going into administration and offering endless possibilities for him to sell upmarket yet comically oversized mugs.

“I’m delighted to own House of Fraser,” beamed Mike Ashley this morning, “But we have quite a lot of work ahead of us to bring the department stores up to the standard expected of the Sports Direct shops.

“I think to start with we’ll need to release a load of wild horses into each store to achieve the ‘purposefully distressed’ look of our sports shops. People think that’s caused by neglect – far from it. It makes you think we’re saving money to keep the prices low.

“And then we shall, of course, be slashing the prices of most of the items, which in the case of House of Fraser might even bring some of them down to under a grand, which will please the more bargain hunting middle and upper classes.”

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He added, “And naturally we shall be selling giant mugs with House of Fraser written on the side at every counter, which I’m sure the shoppers will find irresistible, especially at a price of only £24.99 each.”

It is also understood that a ‘down-training’ of all staff’s customer service skills will begin immediately.