Donald J Trump, an employee of the Russian Foreign Ministry, has attempted to compensate for a year of procrastination by trying to reach all his work targets in the few days before his upcoming performance review.
In a transparent ploy to curry favour, Mr Trump has been obnoxious to colleagues, wrecked vital relationships and tried desperately to take credit for any event that might be viewed favourably by his boss and idol, Vladimir Putin.
Semyon Vilyamtov, a senior HR consultant within the Russian government, explained that this gamble was unlikely to pay off.
“Donald might think he can get away with checking items of a list in a frenzied panic, but he’s deluding himself.
“We know full well just how much time he spends playing golf or seeking attention on Twitter. A ham-fisted last-minute attempt to destroy our competitors’ networks will not impress us simply because it is likely to have the opposite effect.
“We invested a lot of time and money in Mr Trump and we expect him to deliver what he promised in a smooth professional way.
“When we recruited him we did not ask him for flashy displays of activity but for results. Collecting air miles and being obnoxious in meetings or when the cameras are around is not enough.
“And frankly, there are serious questions about the bizarre way he shakes hands. He’d better not try it with Mr Putin. Judo gives you a stronger grip than golf.
“Or wanking all day to watersports porn. And yes, we know about that too.”