In dramatic scenes at Westminster, Scottish politicians have marched out of Parliament in protest at the canteen serving fresh vegetables.
Tensions in the commons have been fraught recently with divisions over Brexit and Heathrow expansion coming to the fore, and SNP spokesman Simon McWilliams described the latest move as an ‘outrage’ and ‘the straw that broke the camel’s back’.
“Or the straw-berry more like,” he added. “It is our firm policy to abstain from vegetables under all circumstances, and the party – and the cream – needs to be whipped when it comes to fresh fruit.
“It’s typical of the English-dominated parliament that they make no concessions to Scottish wishes, such as deep-fried pizza and a slab of tablet on the side of my lunch instead of some green, crunchy monstrosities,” he told us.
“A sprout? Kale?! Do I look like I was elected to represent a town in Berkshire? Once powers are properly devolved we’ll see these dangerous and unnatural activities outlawed across Scotland.”
A spokesman for Westminster said they had attempted to accommodate Scottish wishes, but accused the SNP of grievance politics.
“Their policy appears to be ‘I’ll eat it but I’ll no like it”, we were told.
“We’ve offered them something to wash it down and take the taste away, but those monks can only make so much Buckfast.”