England absolutely positively definitely going to win the World Cup now

author avatar by 5 years ago

According to experts across the country, England are definitely going to win the World Cup after demolishing a side who had never previously scored a goal at the World Cup finals.

The prediction comes in the wake of a heroic and record-breaking triumph against some dirty, rotten, cheating foreigners last night.

“We’re definitely going to win the World Cup now, it’s obvious,” said Simon Williams, a beetle wrangler from Walthamstow who was wearing a pair of Union Jack underpants and was visibly tumescent.

“We won last night because of good old, true British spirit – the spirit of Winston Churchill, Richard III, and Bucks Fizz.

“Brazil, Germany, Argentina, Spain – when it comes down to it, they don’t have that strength of national character that saw us through the Blitz and several series of Eldorado and that’s why they didn’t win and we did.

“Panama are obviously a giant on the world footballing stage, and as such, six goals against them should rightly we welcomed as a sign that football is definitely coming home now.

“Nothing strikes fear into the hearts of the football world like a massive victory over a team that had never qualified for the World Cup before. Especially when you concede a goal against them.

Fifa rules dictate that England still have to beat several other teams of dirty, rotten cheating foreigners, some of which may well be European, who are the worst of the lot.

“A mere formality, nothing more than that,” confirmed Mr Williams.

“In fact, they may as well just give us the trophy now and cancel the rest of the tournament so everyone can start their summer holidays.”

It is understood that Fifa have absolutely no plans to just give us the trophy now and cancel the rest of the tournament.