Politicians confident that snarky questions will reform banking industry

author avatar by 5 years ago

In a victory for the common man, Paul Pester, CEO of Lloyds TSB, has been forced to interrupt his annual yacht-buying spree and be asked emotive rhetorical questions about the catastrophic IT failure that beset his customers.

Simon Williams, spokesperson for the British Bankers Association, confirmed that a public grilling by a House of Commons subcommittee was the most effective way to get fat cats to change their ways.

“It’s what keeps them up at night and spoils the taste of their 1976 Petrus.

“I can’t tell you the number of times a high powered executive came to me and asked me to do everything in my power to get out of a public hearing in which they’ll be questioned by a group of woefully unqualified individuals.

“No amount of Lamborghinis, private islands, cocaine or Belorussian call girls can compensate for having the MP for Swansea West tell them they should be ashamed of themselves.”

Mr Williams insisted that the public inquisitions were the ultimate weapon to get redress after yet another banking scandal.

He went on, “There is absolutely no need for serious fines, inquiries led by financial experts or laws holding executives personally liable for their failures – these commons subcommittees definitely work.”

The BBA’s stance was supported by Treasury officials speaking on condition of anonymity.

As one explained, “There is always wild talk about fining banks the same amount they profited from some callous decision.

“But we all know that the worse thing you could ever do to a multi-millionaire is force them to stare at their special edition Breitling while Nicky Morgan reads a letter from an elderly constituent explaining how she can’t pay the gas bill.”