A fully grown male is clutching at straws in an attempt to overcome the crippling feeling of inadequacy that not being able to grow a beard has brought him.
After years of being ridiculed, Simon Williams, 30, has decided to take up the valuable time of a counsellor, who could be actually helping other clients, to discuss how looking fifteen has negatively affected his self-esteem.
“Enough is enough,” he told us, his shiny, hairless cheeks glowing in the morning sunlight.
“I have a wife, two kids and a mortgage but I keep getting ID’d in the pub and it’s a bit humiliating.
“And a cold caller knocked at the door the other day and asked me if my parents were home. That wouldn’t have happened if I had a glorious Brian Blessed style beard, no way.”
Counsellor Eleanor Gay confirmed, “Simon is your typical baby-face, the poor bastard.
“Obviously I have other clients, with *real* issues, who are more deserving of my time, but he’s paying me so I can’t complain.
“I think I’ll just remind him that Noel Edmunds and Osama Bin Laden had beards.
“That’ll make him feel better.”