by 
A woman on a strict health regime has successfully reduced her carbs and happiness by almost 100% in the last month, according to friends.
Simone Williams, 35, has successfully lost almost 7 pounds and the will to live in under five weeks.
By cutting out anything which brought a moment of pleasure to a life otherwise filled with work, bills and all that other shit, she has managed to make herself both slightly smaller and much, much less satisfied with existence as a whole at the same time.
She has also started going to the gym, where a personal trainer told her that pain is just weakness and joy leaving the body.
“I’d feel great about losing that weight if I were capable of feeling anything any more,” she told us.
“But as it is, I just have this gnawing pit of emptiness in both my tummy and my soul at the same time, so it’s less fulfilling than you might think.
“It’s like that time I tried becoming vegan for a week, and simultaneously made my life longer and less bearable.”
