A man who has no interest in the forthcoming Royal Wedding seems to think that everyone wants him to tell them, according to reports this morning.
Lonely misanthrope Simon Williams, whose interests appear to include being angry about things that make other people happy on the Internet, labours under the delusion that other people are fascinated by how he has no interest in Prince Harry and Megan Markle.
Despite not caring about the wedding, Simon has taken the time to track down more than half the people in his office in order to tell them exactly how much he doesn’t care, and is expected to have got to everyone he has missed so far before the day is out.
Having ensured he’s told everyone how much he doesn’t care, he then intends to make sure they all know he has no plans to watch it on the telly.
“It’s just a bunch of rich idiots prancing around in fancy clothes, isn’t it?” he told co-workers whilst blithely ignoring their weary expressions of contempt.
“What I don’t understand is why these clearly mentally ill people get so worked up about something that has absolutely no relevance to their actual lives.
“Some of them even dress up in some stupid kit and wave flags around to show their support for people who don’t even know or care they exist. Can you believe that!
“Anyway, I can’t wait to go and watch the footy on Saturday. I’ve got the centre-forward’s shirt that I like I wear.”