Ocado, online saviours to the lazy middle-classes, has announced that it will be adding ‘stockpile’ to its website’s quantity options.
The new addition is in response to the heightened global tensions and is the clearest indication yet that we live in desperate times.
“We recognise that a concern amongst our shoppers is that, in the event of global thermonuclear war, they may not be able to find a ready supply of tinned Manzanilla olives,” said Ocado representative Simon Williams.
“So, we’ve decided to make it easier for them by adding ‘stockpile’ as an option, this will provide enough tins to generously stock a deep shelf in an average middle-class home’s cellar.”
The announcement has proved a relief to Ocado customers.
“Oh, that’s a tremendous boon, isn’t it,” said Eleanor Gay from, one would assume, Berkshire.
“Only the other day, I was saying to Gerald, that’s our black lab – ‘Gerald, if there is a nuclear war that wipes out huge swathes of humanity, do you think we’ll have enough aged parmesan?’ He didn’t answer of course, but I could tell he was concerned.”
Ms Gay was also quick to praise how easy it is to use the new ‘stockpile’ option.
“Well, one doesn’t know, does one,” she said, confusingly.
“What is a stockpile? 12? 36? In the past, I’d have to work that out myself.
“Now, I just select ‘stockpile’ and that’s all taken care of and I can get back to my crippling, yet oddly respectable, drinking problem.”
Following the success of the new ‘stockpile’ quantity option, Ocado has revealed they have a contingency plan to add another quantity option – ‘panic buy.’
We can only hope it doesn’t come to that.