Syria accused of attacking Daily Mail HQ after journalists found foaming at the mouth

author avatar by 5 years ago

Syria has been accused of an audacious attack against an arsehole-based Western target after several Daily Mail journalists were found to be frothing substantially at the mouth.

Alarms were raised after award-winning journalist, Richard Littlejohn, was discovered drenched in his own froth while halfway through an article on EU fishing quotas.

The ‘contagion’ quickly spread to colleagues Amanda Platell and Jan Moir, with the Mail’s main press room soon resembling a Damascus A&E department.

However, investigators later found no evidence of chemical agents and, in Amanda Platell’s case, suspect the frothing was brought on by a recipe for a chocolate mosque.

Chief NATO Investigator, Simon Williams, said, “Jan Moir was utterly flecked in spittle, but earlier that day had discovered the man who comes to service the photocopier is in a same-sex relationship.

“All of our victims tested negative for toxic chemicals, but we did find traces of bigotry and a suspected case of homophobia.

“It would appear that President Assad is off the hook this time – none of these arseholes is likely to require medical attention at the taxpayer’s expense.

“Indeed, we would urge both the Russians and the Syrians to refrain from launching any future chemical warfare against the offices of the Daily Mail as it will only add to Richard Littlejohn’s sense of grievance.”

He added, “That said, we have no objection to conventional weapons such as tolerance, reasoned argument and barrel bombs.”

Williams later confirmed that none of the three principal frothers had been anywhere near Salisbury on the grounds that it was ‘probably full of benders’.

I think, therefore I am (not a Daily Mail reader) – get the t-shirt!