Mark Zuckerberg was actually Tom from MySpace all along, according to Scooby Doo and his gang of inquisitive friends.
After being called as expert witnesses in the Cambridge Analytica hearing, Scooby-Doo and his colleagues approached Mark Zuckerberg and tore his face clean off.
“Zoinks! It’s Tom from MySpace!” declared Shaggy, to an astonished US Congress and millions of television viewers.
“Jinkies!” exclaimed Velma, a lesbian.
“Yes, it’s me,” declared a defiant Tom from Myspace, whose full name is Thomas Anderson but nobody knows that (we just realised that’s also Neo’s real name in The Matrix. Coincidence? Yes).
“What, you think I just sold MySpace and disappeared with all of my money? You fools. That was only the foundation for my plans. MySpace was just a test run, but I dressed it up as a failure to throw you all off the scent and disguised myself as a permanently-uncomfortable-looking bellend.
“I was planning to amass all of your data and all of the nudey photos you’ve sent to each other and then blackmail each every one of you. I would have gone from billionaire to trillionaire and I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for you pesky c*nts.”
Scooby-Doo rounded off proceedings by declaring “ree-hee-hee-hee…Scooby Dooby DOOOOOO!” to nostalgic laughter and applause from the US Congress.
Republican Senator Marco Rubio then tried to get in on the act by standing next to Scooby and declaring “heh-heh-heh…Marco Rubi-OOOOOOO!” which was met with stony silence, followed by a request that he leave the building immediately.