I never learnt to read, sobs Amber Rudd

author avatar by 6 years ago

Westminster was the scene of an emotional confession yesterday as the Home Secretary, facing a barrage of questions from journalists about her failure to acknowledge her department’s own reports, broke down and tearfully admitted that she was illiterate.

The Conservative Party denied this was a desperate ploy to avoid admitting an obvious link between rising knife crime and drastic cuts in police numbers, as explained spokesperson Simon Williams.

He told us, “We stand beside Amber and applaud her bravery. Adult illiteracy is the hidden curse of our society and it takes a lot of courage to overcome the stigma and admit you can’t read even the most basic memo telling you criminals are on a rampage because there are fewer police officers to catch them.

“We should not dwell on these trifling matters but instead focus on how we can help Ministers who are unable to comprehend basic information.

“We can but hope that Amber’s valiant sacrifice will break the wall of silence. How many ministers are slashing resources and funds in the honest belief that essential services would not suffer, simply because they can’t read reports highlighting the human catastrophe they have caused?

“How many humiliating treaties have been signed simply because one politician was too proud to admit he doesn’t know what EU stands for?”

This is not the first time a politician’s lack of reading comprehension became newsworthy.

Tony Blair famously struggled with abbreviations and long believed that MI6 was just a street name for a random PhD student. Recently published memoirs also revealed that John Major frequently confused “Junior Health Secretary ” with “my lawful wedded wife”.