Anyone who opens a paperback wide enough to create a faint line down the spine is deserving of death, according to a woman refusing to lend you her book this morning.
Sharon Williams has been reading a book on her commute and raved about it to you and her other colleagues, but upon asking if you could borrow it, she became extremely reluctant.
After taking a cursory look at the book you were reading, and the technique being employed while you read it, she decided she would rather bathe naked in slurry than let you get your vicious mitts on one of her books.
“Look at you, you heathen,” she explained, pointing slowly at the book you were reading.
“That book is destroyed now, all because of your carelessness and lack of respect for the item in your hands. Yes, technically you can still read it, but it’s still destroyed. Yes, it is, shut up. No book should ever be opened more than 45 degrees, everyone knows that.
“Why would I ever let you borrow a book if that’s how you treat them. I bet you wipe your arse on books, don’t you, you disgusting creature.
Despite receiving a firm ‘no’ on the request to borrow the book, you have remembered that she actually lent you a book before Christmas.
You told us, “Yes, I’ve got another of hers on loan, but I accidentally dropped it in the bath one night. I thought she’d be OK when I told her about that, but now I’m not so sure.
“I’m thinking of faking a burglary at my house just to explain why it’s gone missing.”