The tragic wave of knife crime gripping the capital could be fixed immediately if young black men would only stop promoting violence in their lyrics, experts have claimed.
A right-wing think tank, a fucking oxymoron if ever there was one, warned London’s surge in violence is a cultural problem and has nothing to do with police numbers being cut by twenty thousand.
Studies by clever white men have shown that dropping references to gang culture, bitches and homosexuals from rap lyrics could see London’s crime rate fall below that of nearby Baltimore.
As a result, government officials have called on rappers to sing instead about community initiatives, clean living and straightforward vaginal sex with a condom.
Across London, rival crews are set to take up the challenge, with many gangsters realising that real social change starts with music, not better funding and a decent well-paid job.
“Shit’s gotta change,” eighteen-year-old rapper ‘Boogaz’ told us.
“And that starts with greater honesty about where it’s all gone wrong, you feel me.
“For example, on my new track Fuck Dat Bitch Up, I refer to my penis as being perfectly adequate, but nothing to write home about.
“Similarly, Drive-By Gangbang, celebrates better community relations by motoring through rival turf at the correct speed in a fully-licensed vehicle that’s passed its MOT.
“That’s available as a perfectly legal download by the way.”
He added, “From now on, the only ‘hoes’ I’ll be writing about will be the ones I use to tend the community vegetable patch.”