Great Britain is preparing to celebrate the resurrection of Jesus by holding its annual four-day piss-up.
The Bible teaches us that the Son of God died to bring us all eternal life, and once again the nation will thank him by necking shitloads of booze and chocolate.
“I think that if Jesus lived now he’d probably also spend the Bank Holiday weekend trying to shag Becky from work,” said office worker Bert Grimble.
“Last year she got totally hammered and noshed off Adrian from IT behind the skip in the King’s Head car park. Her mates told me she’s off up Valentino’s on Saturday, so that’s where I’ll be, hoping she started early.
“I wish I could turn water into wine as the next four days are going to put a massive hole in my bank account.”
However, not everyone will enter into the true spirit of Easter, with some suggesting revellers should be swapping confectionery for spirituality this weekend.
“For me, Easter is the time to reflect on Jesus making the ultimate sacrifice by dying for our sins, before resurrecting and joining his father in Heaven,” said Rev Bill Armitage.
“And when that’s done I’m getting fucking right on it in the beer garden.
“Mine’s a fancy cider!”