EU divided over how badly they will make Boris Johnson beg for help with Russia

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As Boris Johnson appeals to the EU 27 for support following the Skripal poisoning, the united front maintained by European countries has shown signs of cracking when debating what kind of humiliation the Foreign Secretary should suffer out of penance.

The orthodox and majority position, led by Germany and the Netherlands, is that Mr Johnson should deliver an apologetic speech praising the virtue of a common European foreign policy and perhaps sit at a comically small table during summits.

However, a more hardline faction led by France is said to want more from the boisterous Foreign secretary. Sources inside Brussels claim Boris Johnson would be made to do the truffle shuffle and probably serve wine at a banquet while wearing an ill-fitting French maid costume from Ann Summers.

More troubling for the UK is the possibility of an Anglo-French press conference where President Macron uses the Cabinet minister to look youthful, clever and statesmanlike in comparison.

The Foreign Office claimed that it was prepared for most eventualities and that they would do what is necessary to keep Britain safe, as explained FCO spokesperson Simon Williams.

“The Foreign Secretary is willing to do his bit for the country. Boris has never backed down from looking like a tit for political gain, and he won’t start now.”

Mr Williams did admit there were worries about a wildcard last-minute imposition by Spain or Ireland.

‘The Irish situation poses some concerns. He’s really got them riled up and they might insist on something nasty involving wild animals and a sack.

“Possibly even ferrets.”