You’d better explain yourselves or I’ll come and run through your wheat-fields, Theresa May warns Russia

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The British Prime Minister has threatened Russia in the strongest possible terms over the attempted assassination of a former Soviet spy on English soil.

Theresa May has used her incredibly strong and stable position to lay down the gauntlet for Vladimir Putin to give his account of why a deadly nerve agent was used against Sergei Skripal, or expect to face the terrifying consequences.

“No-one is allowed to come over here and try to assassinate someone, not on my watch,” the furious vicar’s daughter told reporters.

“If there’s one thing that I believe in, it is our right to stop foreigners coming over here, committing horrendous acts and getting away with it. Regardless of how many hundreds of thousands of pounds they have donated to the Conservative party.”

Looking straight at the cameras, Mrs May added sternly, “You have until midnight to explain what’s going on, Vladimir Putin.

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“Or someone’s wheat-fields are going to get a jolly good running through, you mark my words.”

Sources at the Kremlin have confirmed that since seeing the news, Vladimir Putin was witnessed shaking, although reports are unclear whether this was due to fear or laughter.