Nerve agent poisoning probably just kids, claims Russia

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Russia has denied any involvement in the poisoning of an ex-spy with a lethal nerve agent saying it was probably just kids mucking about.

“Kids today, what can you do,” said Russian diplomat Simov Williamsovitch.

“They are out on the streets getting up to who knows what, it is sad to think it but many young people are fooling around with sophisticated nerve agents without their parents even knowing about it.

“Russia blames the parents.”

Despite the fact that the creation of nerve agents is such an undertaking that it could only really be done at state level, and despite the fact that the victim was convicted of spying against Russia, giving motive, and despite the precedent of previous Russian state-sponsored poisonings, Russia insists the latest attempted murder is nothing to do with them.

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“We see it all the time in Russia – you’re young, you perhaps want to impress a girl who is not noticing you,” continued Williamsovitch, explaining his theory for the recent incident.

“So, you quickly make some nerve agent at home and then poison someone and the girl is impressed and thinks you are a big man and will now go to pictures with you.

“This is most likely scenario. Definitely.”

The theory was quickly rubbished by everyone familiar with the science curriculum in British schools that does not yet cover the complex creation of lethal nerve agents.

“Ah,” said Mr Williamsovitch.

“Then perhaps nerve agent must have been part of experimental new pizza topping.

“This is definitely more likely than Russian involvement.”