Donald Trump to give all Americans radioactive poison to protect country from Russian agents

author avatar by 6 years ago

President Trump today declared that Britain had been ‘weak’ in allowing former spy Sergei Skripal to be poisoned in Salisbury yesterday, insisting that following the death of Alexander Litvinenko in 2006, all UK residents should have been armed with a ‘cupful’ of polonium-210.

In a press conference this morning a smug looking Trump stated that the poisoning of the spy yesterday is complete proof that the arming of schoolteachers in the US is justified.

He told reporters, “There is a clear link here and one that proves that I am right, was always right, will always be right and have been right all along.

“There is a saying that states that you must fight fire with fire, which means that you must fight guns with guns and polonium-210 with polonium-210.”

Knowing that he may need to wait for another school massacre to fully make his point about arming teachers, the President looked relaxed as he stated, “I am proud to say that all American households, regardless of their colour, creed or financial status will receive a ‘good supply’ of radioactive material in the post within the next ten days.

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“I dream of making America a safer place and this is another step towards making that dream a reality.

“All I would say is keep that stuff away from pets and babies, unless we want another Superman on our hands!” he joked.

When questioned whether radioactive material being freely available could actually be seen as a danger to the general public, the President was quick to provide reassurance.

“I think that we all know that it would be unlikely that anyone could do significant damage with polonium-210 without being shot almost immediately, probably by a schoolteacher,” he smiled, before tapping his temple, winking and leaving the room stunned in silence.