Thursday 22 February 2018 by Lucas Wilde

Biggest loser at Brit Awards turns out to be ‘Music’

Ed Sheeran Brit Awards

Music lost big at the Brit Awards this year.

With awards going to Stormzy, Ed Sheeran and Dua Lipa and absolutely fuck-all going to Metallica, Kate Bush or Prince, it was quickly concluded that music was the biggest loser of the night.

“Ed Sheeran.” sighed Simon Williams, looking wistfully at his vinyl collection.

“All of his songs sound like something from a 14-year-old who wants to finger a much, much hotter 14-year-old and reckons a song would do the trick.

“I’d make similar quips about the rest of the winners but I don’t know who any of them are and none of them were Bruce Springsteen so it doesn’t matter anyway.

“It’s a shame to see music lose so badly. It’s not been booked for the Reading Festival either.”

Brit Award producer, Simon Williams, said, “We did try to book Aerosmith to perform, but they said they didn’t fancy it as there wouldn’t be anyone they knew and/or respected at the event.

“Which is fair enough. I called in sick on the day for the same reason.”

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