Nothing sinister about Freemasons, insists Grand Lodge Leader sipping virgin’s blood from ceremonial chalice

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A leading representative of the Freemasons has claimed there is nothing sinister about innocently worshipping the devil while dressed as a goat.

United Grand Lodge of England spokesman, Simon Williams, says members are “undeservedly stigmatised” for trying to influence the political process and bring about the eternal, dark reign of the one whose name must not be spoken.

Experts have found no link between the Brexit campaign and the creepy organisation, whose most prominent members include Jacob Rees-Mogg, Boris Johnson and “Right Worshipful Master” Michael Gove.

Williams claims people of any Aryan race, faith, age, class or political persuasion were welcome in the 300-year-old society, just not any women.

“We are just a group of like-minded souls helping each other out with general matters like where to find a decent plumber at 3am with a pretty teenaged daughter,” he told us.

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However, Williams refused to reveal any details of the society’s secret handshake, which is said to involve pressing the thumb onto recipient’s wrist and then wiggling it about a bit, marking him out as a proper dodgy fucker if ever there was one.

Williams said, “It’s also not true that we tried to influence parliament to decriminalise certain moonlit rituals that involve chanting around a fire in a remote area of woodland.

“We’re not the Young Conservatives after all.”

He added, “I was going to write to the Equality and Human Rights Commission about this constant vilification, until I realised that it’s actually made up of me and a few of my friends.”