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Dele Alli is allegedly a massive cheater in a couple of ways.
The Tottenham midfield has been caught on video in two compromising positions this week; once on television – taking the kind of dive Tom Daley would be proud of – and the other in a leaked sex tape, banging the kind of woman that Wayne Rooney would be proud of, if she were a few decades older.
“You really can’t fault his consistency in the field of duplicitous twattery,” confirmed sports analyst, Simon Williams.
“It takes a special kind of hateful individual to get caught diving in the penalty box again and also get caught face-fucking a stranger in the same week.
“I’m not sure who’s more keen to kick him in the bollocks between his girlfriend or the Liverpool home crowd. Perhaps they can take turns?”
A lawyer for Mr Alli said, “Mr Alli is disgusted that this video has been spread widely amongst the public.
“When he’s diving in the penalty box, the cameras should really be turned off.”
