The long-awaited Brexit agreement has been postponed yet again due to the wrong kind of snow rather than government incompetence.
Following heavy snowfalls of one centimetre across much of the country, talks to resolve the Customs Union impasse went arse-over-tit on an icy pavement.
Suave EU officials like Michel Barnier became further enraged after it emerged that nobody had bothered to grit David Davies.
However, Downing Street blamed the frosty atmosphere on the fact that the heating system had been serviced by workshy EU migrants.
Davies, meanwhile, turned up hours late for the crucial showdown wearing a single wet mitten and blaming frozen points for the fact that his notes were full of graupel.
Fellow negotiators became increasingly concerned after the snow surrounding Boris Johnson began to take on a yellowish hue, while Jacob Rees-Mogg got off with a mere dusting.
Professional weatherman, Tomasz Schafernaker, said, “Unfortunately, this is the kind of snow that makes senior ministers contradict each other and give the overriding impression that they haven’t a sodding clue what they’re doing.
“We expect these negotiations to remain prolonged and heavy at times, but they should eventually peter out and amount to very little on the ground.
“If you know of any vulnerable elderly people who happen to be running the country, please take the time to check on them and make sure they are alright.”
Clarity-seeking UK businessman, Simon Williams, said, “The weather in this country is much like the government – it can’t make up its fucking mind.”