Last-minute rewrite of Fantastic Beasts sequel to see Dumbledore in gratuitous bumming scene

author avatar by 6 years ago

Writers of the Fantastic Beasts sequel have hastily written-in a gratuitous gay sex scene following a backlash over director David Yates comments that the film would “not explicitly” address Albus Dumbledore’s sexuality.

The scene will see actor Jude Law, in the role of a young Dumbledore, enjoying anal sex with an as-yet-unknown lover who has absolutely no relevance to the plot of the film itself, just because.

Activist Simon Williams said, “Frankly, this token scene doesn’t go far enough in terms of exploring the character’s sexuality on screen.

“If he doesn’t end every sentence of dialogue with ‘by the way, did I mention that I am a homosexual man that likes men’s penises?’ just like every normal gay man does in real life, then how are we supposed to know and care that he is one?

“I think it would be a nice touch if his wand was actually a massive butt plug and all his spells were all rainbow coloured – but that’s probably asking too much of these Hollywood homophobes.

“For once I’d just like to see a gay character normalised in a film, and obviously the only way for that to happen is for them to be an absolute flaming caricature who is constantly shagging and telling everyone about it.”