According to folklore, if Punxatawny Jez sees his own shadow today then capitalism will endure for another twelve months.
The furry celebrity, who emerges blinking from hibernation every year at this time, is said to look around and if he sees his own shadow then he’ll retreat to another year of policy meetings, jam-making sessions, and appearances on the Andrew Marr show.
“Supporting Jeremy is a harmless tradition that makes us feel like we have a bigger place in something special and timeless, like astrology, or reading the Guardian,” we were told by one of Jez’s handlers.
“My parents were involved, and every year I bring my kids along to pass it to them.
“We watch Jez being held up as having great powers of prognostication, everyone cheers, he blinks and says something about the unfairness inherent in the system being smashed by this time next year, and then we all shove off to Starbucks and Costa for a coffee, same as usual.
“It’s quite sweet really – no matter how much the world changes for other people, Jeremy does the same thing every day and always will, bless him.”
Experts predict that that current Jeremy will continue looking for his shadow for years to come – unless capitalism really does collapse, in which case someone will probably eat him.