Volcano fire can’t melt gold rings, insists Sauron truther

The fall of the dark tower of Barad-Dur was an ‘inside job’ carried out to justify oppression of the orcs, according to noted ‘3/Age Truther’ Simonwise Williams.

Simonwise, who spends a lot of his time in the Prancing Pony outlining exactly what happened on that fateful day at the end of the Third Age, told friends that the ‘mainstream elf-run media’ have spread lies designed to keep the Free Peoples of Middle-Earth in ignorance.

Instead he takes his news from a pamphlet issued by Saruman the White-haired, who is currently holed up in a bedsit in the Orthancian embassy to avoid an arrest warrant issued by Theoden, King of Rohan – which Simon insists is ‘baseless’ and an excuse to send Saruman to the undying lands of the west for a show-trial.

Simonwise insists Gondor needed an excuse to justify war after Sauron obeyed a White Council resolution banning him from sending Fell Beasts in the no-fly zone above the plains of Dagorlad, and rumours of ‘fast-breeder’ orc technology and weapons-grade Uruk-Hai have been proved false.

“You really expect me to believe that two little Hobbits alone in the wild managed to penetrate the most secure nation on Earth and access a major ring-crafting facility without being detected? Get real,” he said.

“And then destroying a ring halfway across the country makes the tower just collapse? They even say it was just ‘One’ Ring. What difference does that make to the structural integrity of a mile-high tower of evil?

“And to cap it all, a bunch of eagles just happened to be about to whisk the Hobbits to safety before they were killed or captured? It’s just too pat. It doesn’t add up.”