Boris Johnson ‘no great great great great grandson’ of mine, says Swiss mummy

author avatar by 6 years ago

A mummy discovered in the Swiss city of Basel has moved fast to distance herself from links to the Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson.

Scientists used DNA testing to establish the mummy’s identity, but the results were quickly rubbished as “fake news” after they unveiled a connection to Bo-Jo.

In a statement the mummified woman, who has a pro-EU leaning, showed disdain that the connection had been uncovered, saying she had hoped to bury the matter a long time ago.

She told reporters, “Let me be clear on this, Boris Johnson is no great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandson of mine.

“I am from a proud European family, and certainly not one that would get caught hanging from a zip wire waving a couple of toy flags like a simpleton on day release.

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“As you can see from the artefacts in my coffin, I’m not only proud of my European status, I also happen to own a comb, despite being almost five centuries old. Not like that shabby shit rag that the British press is apparently so fond of.”

According to scientists the mummy had been uncovered once before in 1843, but had told researchers to beggar off and leave her alone.

Records revealed that the mummy was a member of a well-established Basel family, the Bischoffs, which gives a 99.8% probability that she is indeed related to Johnson.

The woman, however, insisted the results must have been tampered with, claiming that she couldn’t be related to someone like Boris who is a “monstrous man, even by 16th century standards”.

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