Boris asks Theresa May to increase his penis length by 10 centimetres

author avatar by 6 years ago
NewsThump Needs Your Help

Leaked minutes from Cabinet meetings have dealt a blow to Theresa May as it shows a confident Boris requesting the government try to make real any boast or promise he has ever made.

These are said to include a quick and advantageous trade deal with the USA, prolonged sexual stamina, penis length that defies credibility and extra weekly funding for the NHS.

Simon Williams, the political editor of the Daily Telegraph and recipient of the leaked papers, said that the clash showed that Brexiteers were still setting policy in government.

“This is obviously a retaliation for the PM dismissing his idea for a Channel bridge. So now there is a move from the Brexiteers to force Theresa May into making their promises real, however ludicrous.”

Mr Williams added that political reality would limit what concessions Boris Johnson could obtain.

NewsThump Hoodies

“She can’t really allocate more funding to the NHS as that would undermine Jeremy Hunt, one of her key allies. But she can instruct the typing pool to spread the rumour that Boris is an orgasm-giving machine and packs a massive todger.”

“However, she has no real way of forcing the international community to call Boris Johnson a Churchillian eccentric as opposed to a joke without a punchline.”

In the same meeting, Michael Gove is said to have asked the Cabinet to make him friendly and trustworthy but the consensus around the table was that only divine intervention could make that happen.

A spokesman for the Vatican said that that was unlikely as Mr Gove was, in eschatological terms, “an utter cunt.”