Sex with Donald Trump was the worst 45 seconds of my life, says Stormy Daniels

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The porn star paid off by Donald Trump during the election has described sleeping with him as the worst almost-minute she’s ever had.

Daniels said that Trump, who many had assumed would be a skilled and gentle lover, has sex with ‘the grace, tenderness and style of an epileptic tuba’.

The actress went on to say that she got through the experience by pretending she was on one of those nature documentaries about elephant seals.

Sources close to the President have reacted with shock, saying that he is absolutely faithful to his wife and that everyone says so – or will do once they’ve finished writing the cheques.

When asked if his hair colour is natural, Daniels confirmed that his unusual tone of orange is ‘full-body’ except for that odd pale ring around each eye.

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She also confirmed that his hair is at least consistent, given that he has comb-overs in places you wouldn’t normally expect on a man of his age.

“I would describe his sexual style as being much like his business style,” she told us when asked for the gory details because we like to punish ourselves his hideous imagery.

“There is a lot of angry honking and bellowing, he doesn’t have much of an eye for the details, and at the end of the entire process, nobody is satisfied – except him.

“Plus unintentionally going overdrawn a lot seems to be a consistent thing with him.

”Still, at least I got paid, which makes me better off than most of his contractors.”