Melania Trump “f*cking delighted” that Donald won’t be dying anytime soon

author avatar by 6 years ago

Melania Trump is properly thrilled to hear of the President’s “excellent health”.

Despite a diet and lifestyle that could be credibly described as “Jabba the Hutt’s all-inclusive golfing holiday”, President Trump has been called “healthy” by a physician with a fairly broad definition of that term, leaving Trump’s wife crying tears of “joy”.

“Melania is pleased as punch; in fact, she punched a hole in the wall upon hearing the news, which was both odd and impressive,” confirmed a spokesperson.

“She was very surprised to hear of the President’s excellent health, despite ‘all of that fried food I fed him, what a waste of money’…which again was an odd statement but I’ve learnt not to question the Trump family and their methods.

“Then she ran into the bedroom that she doesn’t share with Donald and slammed the door, presumably to tell the good news to friends and family via a private telephone call out of ear reach of anyone on the staff.

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“I did hear what sounded like a woman screaming into a pillow, but then again the water pipes in this building are a bit of a nightmare so I’m choosing to believe the noise came from her trying to run a bath.

“The giant carved bust of Donald that has been thrown through the closed bedroom window is a bit harder to explain, but Melania insists that she was simply holding it and then sneezed, propelling it straight through the double-glazed glass, which again, I will also choose to believe.”