The government has prepared for uncertainty around Brexit by appointing Noel Edmonds as Deal or No Deal Brexit minister in the latest reshuffle.
Edmonds is described as having tremendous experience of situations where nobody has the first clue what they’re going to get, and is well used to receiving risible offers from a bastard down the end of a phone – so will be perfect for the role.
Edmonds has pledged to ‘hit the ground running’ by promising to prepare for the worst should Britain get only 1p from the ongoing Brexit negotiations.
“If we only get a Blue Box by Brexit day I’ll be ready with a hug and a homily about how it’s not the winning, the important thing is that you tried,” Edmonds told us.
“But we’ll work hard to avoid that by getting everyone to hold hands and wish very hard for a great deal when the end of negotiations roll around.
“I practise cosmic ordering and affirmation, which involves just telling the universe what you want and it will come to you.
“It works tremendously in restaurants and branches of Argos, and I don’t see why this sort of thing will be any different.”