UKIP now stands for ‘United Kingdom Independent Penises’ confirms leader

author avatar by 6 years ago

The revelation that Henry Bolton has withdrawn from the union with his wife in order to strike up a deal with a younger model indicates a change in focus for UKIP, it has emerged today.

Since the referendum in 2016 there has been speculation over the purpose and aim of the right-wing party now that the UK is leaving the European Union; a question that leader Bolton is happy to answer.

“We just want our penises to be independent – and I am setting a personal example for all UKIP members,” he beamed at reporters this morning, trying hard to ignore the creeping feeling of guilt.

“Free from the confines and restrictive demands of the union of marriage, we want our members to be free to strike up new and attractive partnerships with topless models half our age.

“My penis has been stuck in this outdated arrangement for decades – yes, it was entered with our eyes open, but it has changed beyond recognition over the years into something none of us ever wanted or agreed to.

NewsThump Best sellers

“What’s important now is feeling the benefit of complete freedom from that union, and all it’s ridiculous ‘rules and regulations’. It has taken me back to the good old days of my youth.

“And there’s a whole world of ladies out there begging to enter new exciting agreements with our ageing todgers, so we would like to invite other desperate middle-aged men to join our party.”

Political commentator Simon Williams responded, “Well this is nothing new – just look at Nigel Farage – and it’s such a cliché it is almost laughable.”