A disgruntled civil servant at Number Ten has revealed Theresa May’s resolutions for 2018 after stumbling across a series of post-it notes on her desk.
The leak is sure to cause embarrassment to the government as they seek to begin 2018 on a strong and stable footing.
The resolutions read as follows:
- Learn how to smile well enough to reduce the number of terrible stock photos that already exist and lower the number of comparisons with cartoon witches.
- However tempting, do not hold a snap election. No. Just don’t do it.
- Really get to know this Donald Trump fellow a bit more during his visit in February. He seems like quite an honest, well-meaning bloke.
- Ignore number 2 and hold a snap election. What’s the worst that can happen?
- Come up with a more meaningful catchphrase. ‘Coalition of Chaos’ backfired somewhat and ‘Strong and Stable’ was just so 2017. NB a possible idea could be ‘Work brings Freedom’.
- Try and get the hard Brexit sorted by about April. Then hopefully the public will have forgotten all about it by the autumn and Britain can begin a new glorious era under my leadership.
- Forget number 4 and revert back to number 2. Maybe another snap election is a bad idea after all. Maybe.
- Finally complete the privatisation of the NHS. Must do better in keeping Jeremy happy.
- Make Boris a Lord or something to prevent any possible coups.
- See number 1 – remember to develop a trustworthy smile. The poor are reassured by the sight of those in power smiling. It instils confidence. Probably.
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