Theresa May’s New Year resolutions leaked

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A disgruntled civil servant at Number Ten has revealed Theresa May’s resolutions for 2018 after stumbling across a series of post-it notes on her desk.

The leak is sure to cause embarrassment to the government as they seek to begin 2018 on a strong and stable footing.

The resolutions read as follows:

  1. Learn how to smile well enough to reduce the number of terrible stock photos that already exist and lower the number of comparisons with cartoon witches.
  2. However tempting, do not hold a snap election. No. Just don’t do it.
  3. Really get to know this Donald Trump fellow a bit more during his visit in February. He seems like quite an honest, well-meaning bloke.
  4. Ignore number 2 and hold a snap election. What’s the worst that can happen?
  5. Come up with a more meaningful catchphrase. ‘Coalition of Chaos’ backfired somewhat and ‘Strong and Stable’ was just so 2017. NB a possible idea could be ‘Work brings Freedom’.
  6. Try and get the hard Brexit sorted by about April. Then hopefully the public will have forgotten all about it by the autumn and Britain can begin a new glorious era under my leadership.
  7. Forget number 4 and revert back to number 2. Maybe another snap election is a bad idea after all. Maybe.
  8. Finally complete the privatisation of the NHS. Must do better in keeping Jeremy happy.
  9. Make Boris a Lord or something to prevent any possible coups.
  10. See number 1 – remember to develop a trustworthy smile. The poor are reassured by the sight of those in power smiling. It instils confidence. Probably.