Damian Green falls on his pork sword

author avatar by 7 years ago

After denying getting his sword out on a regular basis during office hours despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, the first secretary of state has done the honourable thing and offered his resignation.

Following claims that Metropolitan Police officers had found a substantial amount of pornography on his work computer, Mr Green was yesterday found to have given inaccurate and misleading statements about the matter, just like any normal teenage boy would who had been caught with his trousers down.

Political commentator Eleanor Gay explained, “Theresa May was evidently quite happy for there to have been allegations that Damian Green was watching adult material at work – maybe she was just relieved that it was adults he was watching – but for him to have told porkies about his ‘member in parliament’, as it were, well, this was clearly a step too far and she obviously asked him to resign.

“It certainly explains why he claimed thousands of pounds worth of boxes of tissues on expenses, and why Theresa May called him her ‘right-hand’ man with a bit of a giggle.”

Conservative spokesperson Sir Simon Williamsby-Toffer defended the resignation saying, “Although we are sad to see Damian go, we’re sure he’ll be happy to have a bit more time for, you know, other interests.

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“It does seem however that Damian Green has been somewhat victimised in this case, mainly due to him giving weight to the unfair claim that the Tories are a bunch of wankers all the time.

“But this simply isn’t true – sometimes we lose our internet connection for hours.”

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