Cabinet civil war over whose Brexit plan will be laughed at by Brussels

author avatar by 5 years ago

The Remainer and Leaver factions in government have begun a vicious fratricidal battle over what type of proposal will be completely ignored by the EU.

Amanda Tinnock, a backbench MP aligned with Phil Hammond’s soft Brexit faction, said that it was vital for the prosperity of the nation that their business focused plan should be the one casually dismissed by some unknown minister from Denmark or Estonia.

“It is our vision for frictionless trade that should be shot down for wanting to be in the single market without paying the dues. It will signal to business interests that we are committed to putting money over principles.”

However, Simon Williams, a Leave campaigner and friend of Boris Johnson, was adamant only his faction had the mandate to be snickered at over the negotiating table.

Williams said, “We represent the will of the people and it is our plan that Brussels should laugh out the room.

“When a run on the pound and frantic calls from the CBI force us to do what we are told, our humiliation will be a red, white and blue one.”

Michel Barnier, the French civil servant in charge of Britain’s economic future, said that the Tory infighting would change little to the final outcome.

He explained, “The broad strokes were decided at that conference where we made Theresa May sit outside the dining room.

“However, we will make small adjustments whenever your politicians act like complete dicks. Remember David Davis talking like a ‘tough guy’ on the Andrew Marr show? That just cost you your Airbus factories.”