Experts have told the Daily Express to turn their heating on and see if that feels a bit warmer.
Following yet another forecast of an ‘arctic freeze’ in today’s paper, which the Daily Express claims will last four weeks, experts in actually forecasting the weather have stunned members of staff at the tabloid by showing them a simple but effective way to feel less chilly.
Christopher James, a professional meteorologist with actual qualifications, explained, “With year after year of forecasts from the Daily Express threatening arctic blasts and big freezes, we thought we’d investigate why exactly they seem to feel the cold more than everyone else.
“It turns out that they write their forecasts first thing in the morning, just before they hold their daily minute’s silence in front of a huge framed portrait of Princess Diana.
“If they are feeling a bit chilly, and confirm this with a quick glance out of the window to see if it looks really cold out there, they then forecast something like an ‘arctic blast’ or a ‘big freeze’.”
He added, “So we looked a bit closer and it turns out that their heating isn’t even on. If they fired that up, I imagine their forecasts would be less bleak.”
Simon Williams, a senior editor at the Daily Express responded, “Well I’ll be damned. We’ve just turned on the heating and I’m feeling less freezing already. Maybe we’ll survive the winter, after all.”
Tomorrow’s headline is expected to warn of a January heatwave and remind the elderly to stay hydrated and sleep with their windows and doors open.