DUP demands same post-Brexit laws as rest of UK, apart from all the abortion and gay rights stuff

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DUP leader Arlene Foster is determined that post-Brexit Northern Ireland will have exactly the same regulatory environment as the rest of the UK, apart from the stuff she doesn’t like.

With Foster already vetoing a planned deal on Ireland’s border between the UK and the EU, she has gone to great lengths to explain that she sees Northern Ireland as an integral part of the UK and will accept no deal that sees Northern Ireland regulated in any way differently to the rest of the country, except for those differences she’s completely happy with.

She told reporters, “Northern Ireland is part of the UK, the same as any other part you care to mention, so the suggestion that we would be happy to be treated differently after Brexit is patently ridiculous. I mean, the fact that we are already treated differently on a number of issues is beside the point.

“The differences we have right now are the ones that we want. And remember, there is a world of difference between a negotiated Brexit settlement that allows the Good Friday Agreement to continue, and letting gays getting married.

“Letting gays get married would bring chaos to our entire civilisation, just like it has in England – but us preventing a Brexit settlement by insisting we are treated the same as the rest of the UK should make no difference to anyone.”

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DUP supporters have welcomed Foster’s stance, insisting that if anyone should be blamed for the current stalemate, it’s the Tory government.

DUP voter Simon Williams told us, “Just remember, if Theresa May hadn’t called that ridiculous vanity election, she’d be sitting there with the sort of majority that would allow her to do whatever she likes with the Irish border.

“As it is, she’s given the keys to the kingdom to people who don’t believe in dinosaurs and treat homosexuals like second-class citizens.

“I’m just amazed you people never saw this coming.”