Pornography distributors and actors are today denying any official links with the Conservative party, following reports that Damian Green has in the past used a party laptop to look at some of their material.
A senior former police detective has told reporters that a significant amount of pornography was found on Mr Green’s laptop during an unrelated investigation several years ago, which some porn distributors fear could tarnish their spotless reputation.
Pornstar Chuck Williams, who allegedly featured in some of the material found on the Senior Tory’s laptop, told us, “When you go into this job, you don’t expect to end up being linked in any way to the sordid underbelly of society that is the Conservative party.
“We have professional standards to uphold, and it’s my fear that this will affect our business and reputation. We can’t choose who enjoys what we do, and many wankers from all walks of life appreciate our products.
“For the record, we would like to stress that we do not endorse any of the values, policies or activities of the Conservative party and we would like to reassure our fans and followers that this was an unfortunate incident that we hope won’t be repeated again.”
The Conservative party is understood to have issued a memo to all serving MPs and ministers reminding them that if they misbehave Theresa May will give them a strong telling off. However, it went on to explain that they needn’t worry about being fired or even disciplined, because, well, this is Theresa May we are talking about.