Losing the European City of Culture has raised hopes that Britain will be forbidden from competing in the Eurovision Song Contest next.
The Song contest, which is an annual festival of national embarrassment in which hopeless efforts are made to convince Eastern Europe they should vote for anyone except Russia, is most famous the phrase ‘Grande Bretagne, Nul Points’.
“To be straight up, getting hoofed out would be a relief for everyone involved, except Simon Cowell,” said British Eurovision supremo Simon Williams.
“Yeah, it’d cost him some royalties, but we think that’s a small price to pay to avoid the annual spectacle of finding some no-hoper or faded 90s star desperate to revive their career, filling them with false hope, and then watching it deflate live on TV at half ten one Saturday night.
“Britain getting votes in the Eurovision is like getting a pity shag off your mate’s cute friend. Everyone knows you don’t deserve it, but it’s only once a year and anything to stop the complaining.
“Fingers crossed they throw us out so we don’t have to keep pretending we’re competing.”