Donald Trump had to go without his Twitter account for eleven minutes and it nearly killed him.
After a Twitter employee deleted the President’s personal account just before leaving the company, the President of the United States of America found he was unable to use his time to vomit his brain-shite onto the Internet.
“He just kind of staggered and sat down,” confirmed an eye-witness.
“He sat in his chair breathing very quickly and repeatedly saying ‘muh tweets muh tweets muh tweets’ until a woman came in to tell him that the account had been restored.
“It was touch-and-go, by which I mean that Trump grabbed that woman by the vagina and then she left the room.
“But I’m glad he’s not dead. Yes, I’m definitely glad about that. Yes, I am.”
President Trump said, “I’m alright, folks, seriously.
“Although I now feel I know what it’s like to be mortally wounded, and I have some empathy with what those folks in Vietnam who didn’t have fictional bone spurs must have gone through.
“I even know how Reagan must have felt when he was shot, or even how JFK felt when he had his head blown clean off. Sad.
“This attack on my speech was bigly treasonous. YUGE.”