America is suddenly looking great again after Donald Trump finally did something about the scourge of grieving military widows talking down his presidency.
Trump spoke on Twitter to reassure Americans that nothing will stand in the way of him making himself look as good as possible, not even women who are mourning the loss of a husband that died serving their country.
“For too long America has had to put up with grieving widows saying all the things that they wanted, but no more!” Trump tweeted.
“If we’re going to make America great again, then we have to do something about grieving widows saying mean things about me, I’m sorry folks, but it’s true. Everyone is saying it.
“Apparently the courts will stop me deporting them, or locking them up, so making them social outcasts using my huge social media following is the way to go.
“If you want to send these women a message telling them they are lying bitches that are letting down the country, that would be fine by me.”
A White House spokesperson said that since Trump’s tweet an hour ago, America has become measurably better.
Press Secretary Sarah Sanders briefed reporters, telling them, “By any objective measure you choose to use, America is a better country this afternoon thanks to our President bravely criticising military widows in such a public manner.
“Women who are dealing with the death of their husbands, often after following the orders of our Commander-in-Chief, will now think twice about criticising the President in public.
“That’s a massive victory for the country right there. Yes, it is, shut up.”