The political world was left in shock after Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson was arrested yesterday for torture of a metaphor.
The arrest took place as Mr Johnson was preparing to board a plane in order to go and be offensive in a different country.
“I can confirm that we have taken a 53-year-old male with stupid hair into custody,” said Chief Inspector Simon Williams.
“He has been formally charged with the torture of a metaphor.”
It is understood that the offensive took place on Monday when Mr Johnson invoked a ship to allude to the situation with Brexit talks.
“It is time we let the great ship of negotiation run down the oiled ramp of talks into the ocean of freedom and worldwide trade lest the engineers spend too long focusing on the individual rivets of the bow and find the ocean is dry,” said the former panel show host, bafflingly.
It is understood that the arrest is the culmination of a year-long investigation that has seen Johnson torture a wide variety of metaphors such as his comparing the UK to a lobster, the Conservative party to a sausage and, most absurdly, the cabinet to a nest of singing birds.
“It is important that people like Johnson are held to account for the horrendous things they do to metaphors,” said Chief Inspector Williams.
“I hope metaphors will feel safer after he is locked up.”
It is thought Mr Johnson will receive a sentence of at least 10 years. It would have been 8 but for his initial statement to police.
“I am innocent, like a salmon swimming through the river who has been accused of eating the tasty vegetation on the riverbank but would only starve and whither without it.”