Literary festival admits being unprepared for all the bottles of piss after inviting Katie Hopkins to speak

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Lewes Speakers Festival is hoping to learn how music festivals deal with gargantuan amounts of piss being hurled at a performer, after inviting Katie Hopkins to speak.

Throwing bottles of piss has become the tried, tested and well-recognised way that festival-goers express their disdain for a festival performer, which has surprised organisers of the literary festival.

Ticket-holder Simon Williams told us, “Sure, those other festivals that experience lots of piss-throwing normally involve muddy fields, lots of alcohol, and music so loud your ears might bleed – but a literary festival is essentially the same thing.

“But instead of dry wretching over a turd-mountain in the portaloos, you listen to interesting people talking about things designed to make you think. Or in this case, you listen to a hateful harridan who can only make money by telling lies designed to make you angry.

“That’s not to say we can’t learn something from those music festivals, and I’m particularly interested in this whole ‘throwing of the piss’ thing I keep hearing about. Sounds fun.”

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Experienced festival-goers have offered the benefit of their experience to anyone attending the literary festival, and who might want to understand the finer points of piss-throwing.

Emily Matthews told us, “I’ve never been a literary festival, but I’ve done Glastonbury twice, so my piss-throwing arm is pretty good.

“It’s all about ensuring the piss is able to come out of the bottle as it reaches the stage.  If you’re near the front, you can just use a pint pot.

“If you’re struggling to produce any piss, I’d strongly recommend White Lightning. A litre of that and you’ll be gushing like a racehorse.

“I’m happy to come along if asked. Get me within fifty yards and that Hopkins woman will look like she’s been in a competition to find the world’s most willing golden participant.”