Foreign Office begins internal investigation as to why Boris Johnson has so much free time

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As the Tory conference descends into acrimony following Boris Johnson’s latest backdoor attempt to become PM, the Foreign Office has been in the spotlight for failing to keep him busy.

PH, an anonymous Cabinet minister, confirmed that Theresa May was furious that the FCO allowed Boris Johnson enough time on his own for him to throw the party and the country into turmoil again.

“Putting Boris in the Foreign Office was supposed to be foolproof. He’s a vacuous dilettante who appears smart to other morons because he remembers a few Latin phrases. So we surrounded him with genuinely clever people who would make sure he had a full schedule. But somehow he has managed to find some time in between meeting the ambassador for Paraguay and UNESCO strategy reviews to plan yet another highly destructive move on the top job.”

Simon Williams, a spokesman for the Foreign Office, admitted his department had underestimated Boris Johnson.

“It seems he has adapted to working a five day week which we never thought he would. It also appear that he has been distracting his handlers by quoting unbelievably inappropriate poems at religious ceremonies. He’d be whisked away to a side room while his handlers explained to the host country that he was the Queen’s idiot cousin or something. That’s when he’d use a burner to call Rupert Murdoch.”

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Boris Johnson denied trying to undermine Theresa May and would address the rumours at his upcoming speech to the African Union that he’ll open with a reading of Rudyard Kipling’s ‘Fuzzy-Wuzzy’.

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