Tories agree £1bn deal with DUP after finally locating elusive magic money tree

author avatar by 6 years ago

A magical tree on which government money grows has miraculously been found in time to secure a deal with the DUP, a government spokesperson has confirmed.

Whitehall spokesperson Simon Williams explained that the eleventh-hour discovery of the mythical tree made the confidence and supply arrangement possible.

He told reporters, “The tree was believed to be fictitious, and many government officials went to great lengths to criticise Labour for pledging to rely on it during the election campaign, so the realisation that it is real after all has shocked many of us in government.

“I’ll be honest; I personally thought a magic tree which dispensed cash whenever it was politically expedient was nothing but a fantastic fairy tale created by lunatics.

“But here it is, plain as day, chucking out billions of pounds now that the government needs it to satisfy the DUP.

“I’m shocked, but also delighted – who wouldn’t be.

“Thank God the electorate didn’t find out the tree was real before polling day, or we’d all be out of a job.”

DUP leader Arlene Foster said she was delighted by the discovery of the tree, and insisted it was further evidence that some fairy tales should be believed.

She concluded, “But not the stupid ones about dinosaurs and homosexuals, obviously.”