“You are such a bunch of twats”, Her Majesty tells Parliament in shock change to Queen’s Speech

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The Queen’s speech took an unexpected turn when she decided to make ‘last minute changes’ to the pre-prepared speech today.

Her Majesty was seen ‘writing furiously’ in the state coach on her way to parliament, and is understood to have made the changes to improve the legislative agenda for the next Parliament.

The Queen, who is 91, is believed to have hit the stage where old ladies don’t care what anyone thinks and just say what they like.

“I don’t know why I’m even here,” she said to a packed house.

“You’ll be gone in a fortnight and we’ll be doing it all again, and I just pray it’s with that Glaswegian lesbian rather than that bobblehead blond twat or fucking Pob you’ve got sat next to you,” she told Theresa May, who tried to smile her way through the speech with a face like a well-smacked bum.

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“Both the Liberal Democrats and the SNP have been run by a succession of pointless goblins who’d look better sat fishing on a toadstool by a pond than they do in this house, and would have achieved something considerably more worthwhile if they had done so.

“And as for you”, she added, turning to Jeremy Corbyn, “Put on a decent suit and sing the fucking song about one.

“And for God’s sake stop giving your ex-girlfriend jobs. The only people who get to promote talentless idiots because they’ve shagged them round here are my sons.”

Members of the Green Party and Plaid Cymru were understood to be delighted the Queen hadn’t singled them out for criticism, until they learned that was because she wasn’t even aware they existed.

Reaction to the speech has been largely positive, with most commentators suggesting it marked a genuine improvement on previous years efforts.